It's been a while since I've last posted on here..
Our internet was out for a while.
Updates:
I quit working for print.google.com about a month ago.
It's nice to not have to get up at 5am anymore. Not that I actually got up at that time.. I usually got up 5:20am.. or about 5 or 10 minutes before my ride got to my apartment to pick me up. Heh..
I quit to try and improve things between Jason and I. For the longest, our work hours being so different caused me to go to sleep hours before he did, and wake up hours before he had to.. This only let us have a few hours together on the weekdays. And then we had the weekends together..
Not that our time together was spent well. More on that in a bit, I guess.
So.. quit work. Am thinking about going back to school. Foothill College is recommended by Jason. So.. I'm going to call them to see if my credits earned at City College of San Francisco are transferable. I hope so.. But, if they aren't, that's alright too.. It's been a while since I've been at school, so relearning what I 'learned' in the first place would be great.
I was thinking of going into psychology or sociology. Something of a marriage counselor or something. Life Coach. Heh
Ahh.. what have I been doing with myself since there has been no internet and I have no job or school? Using up all my lazy points. I've almost depleted them. =o) Lately I've been inconsolably restless during the day, and weird and unhappy at night.
I'm trying to figure out why I have no modivation to do anything by myself. I mean.. I will do something if, say, I signed up for it, and there is a schedule.. Or I've told someone that I'll do something.. Or if someone suggests they would like me to do something, or do something with me.. But do something on my own? *spff* Hardly ever.. I've done a few things on my own, I guess. Closed out my savings account.. just got the number for Foothill to call.. Paid my bills.. Applied for a job I found on
craigslist.. Went through the box of papers I have, threw a bunch of the garbage out.. meh. And there's still so much I could have done already. =oP >.<
Onto the hot topic of the last few months (or longer): Jason and I not getting along so well.
Whoever I know irl that is reading this.. I'd rather you not talk to me in person about it. Unless I bring it up with you. I'd rather keep this anonymous. You can comment if you want.. Face to face is a bit tougher..
So.. Yeah. Jason and I have been under a lot of stress lately. Our relationship has been on the rocks for months and months. He says like.. a year. =o( Considering we've been going out ~2 yrs and 10 months.. that's a huge chunk of time in the relationship.
I don't really know what happened. Things were going great.. and faded to black. A huge stressor came into our lives a while back, and that didn't help anything. Jason is super unhappy with his life. Stress up the ass.. =o/ This means that I'm under scrutiny. I guess it shouldn't really *mean* that.. but after the first rush of stress happened, he said that I wasn't very supportive of him. That he felt alone through it all. Sounds to me that that's where it started.. If one party feels that they are alone, then, well.. that doesn't bode well for the relationship. Was I cold and unsupportive? Apparently so.
We never healed from that. I have a huge list of flaws stapled on my forehead.
He actually said to me tonight "I think I have a problem with you," after I inquired about what happened this morning. He doesn't like my methods of dealing with things, stress and modivation, mainly, I guess. Well, I don't guess. I know. I know because he likes to tell me about how he doesn't like this and he doesn't like that.. and that there are better ways of doing things, etc etc.
He spent the entire morning silent and curled up on our little couch under a blanket. After a while of him shrugging and saying 'no' to me, I went into the bedroom and closed the door. After about an hour, I heard him starting the shower, so I went out.
He was more sociolable after that.. There was polite conversation.
At one point in the day, I offered him a mint from between my teeth. He said that he'd rather not be that personal with me.
This made me feel really weird.. I mean. FUCKIN'A.. =o( I feel like I'm trying my hardest to improve things.
I have a friend, that I just got to know before she moved. I've been talking to her about it. She is unhappy for me. She said that unless he opens himself up again.. it will never improve. I feel like I can never measure up anymore. Like I'm not good enough. And that seems pretty true, in light of what he said this evening.
I mean. I feel like I'm pretty forgiving for what hurts me about what he does. I accept that that is the way he is. I don't feel like I'm being that much of a doormat for him. I'm just going through a lot of pain. And so is he.
Though, I feel like I'm getting the short end of the stick. He is very strong in telling me what about me and the relationship is making him unhappy and stressed and what he doesn't like.. while I feel pretty much like an idiot with no vocal chords when I try. I feel like I have a very difficult time translating my feelings into words to be understood. This makes telling him how I feel a total mindfuck. I feel all this pressure and that makes it harder. And I feel not good enough, and like a fool and like an asshole because he tells me he's hurt..
But I can never seem to make him feel like how he makes me feel. I don't want him to feel like he's not good enough.. but I'd like him to be more sympathetic and empathetic to my feelings.
Take for instance last night.. I was crying, and instead of hugging me or offering at least some *words* of comfort.. he tells me something to the tune of "I think there are better ways of handling things.. like not getting upset." Well.. THANKS A FUCKING LOT. I feel SO MUCH BETTER now that you've showed me that you DON'T CARE THAT I'M UPSET.
He said that he doesn't want to be my 'yes man' constantly telling me that everything is okay, that what I'm doing is alright. I feel that he has a point. I should have enough confidence in myself to not need to be constantly told that what my decision was was alright.. I don't, though. I have very little confidence, and I have even less now that he's decided it's healthier for him to finally tell me how he feels instead of keeping it bottled up (which he called being 'understanding').
To a certain degree, holding your inner feelings in when you know that it will be really upsetting to the person is a good idea.. until you continue to hold them in and never let the other person know that what they were/are doing BOTHERS THE CRAP OUT OF YOU.
Bottom line (so I can wrap this up and eat some dinner..):
I need to take responcibility for not being supportive for him.
He needs to take responcibility for not telling me when he was upset.
We both had a part in it! And.. I feel like he doesn't see that.. That he thinks it's all me.. He hasn't said it.. but I don't think he's denied it either.
Oh well. Cross your fingers for me..
