The indecisive One

Saturday, January 21, 2012

I'm disappointed in my decisions.
Is that different than regret?

I believe I made as educated decision as I could in most cases.
In some others.. I guess I can chalk it up to 'human.'

This sounds racy 'cause it's vague. =o)

I was just reflecting on my relationship decisions..
Hmm.. who had this address.. who would read this?..
Ah well.. I was 'boy crazy' or 'relationship oriented' from a young age.
That sounds like there's dozens! I can think of ..less than 10 times I'm referring to, in any of my generalizations.

I remember wanting to know the details, and during exploration always stopping short of a big step, and still tempted anyways.. I think I wanted someone else to make the step.

There was no discrimination for sexual experience with either gender, just reactions to who wanted to do what (more boys seemed eager to flirt than girls)..
I remember the Youth Club in Pacifica.. two cousins. I later apologized to the first, sweet, cousin for my behaviour (I dropped him for his cousin..).
A whole building to run around in the dark.. I can see his woody in his pants! He pressed them so I could see it better <3
'Long distance' because we lived farther than bicycling to each other (different cities.. though I took the bus out there once, years after this crush together). Lots of long phone calls.. Doodling on my class notes about him.
Eventually a boy at my school played devils' advocate; "how do you know you really love him?" Or some other nonsense in response to love-label I put on my cup in science class.

Hindsight says I blindly jumped at the attention. He told me later he noticed how my boobs looked in gym class.

I was stuck to him. We were together whenever we could be. I stayed out late one night to kiss him on a street corner a block from school. He was doing school government activities (supposed to be, anyways)..decorating the billboards in the front hall.. We concocted a story about me joining him as an explanation for how late I was getting home.

We kissed for a couple of hours.. <3 I felt like it was the most romantic thing.. us stealing time for each other..

I was 'cookie' because of how moist I was. Ooo, the first sexual nickname! He was Sexy Lover Boy (almost a pun to his Hispanic heritage) I think I called him Bunnie more than SLB. I used it the most for writing letters. He used to say it weird too "C0000k-key*" with a squint of sound at the end, if you can imagine still.

We wrote letters to each other.. we stole time for each other.. we did everything together.. I watched him play sports.. I got to play house! I wrote an article for the newspaper about how I wanted to be a June Cleaver! I MEANT it at the time..... I thought we'd get married and have kids and it would be JUST LIKE THAT.....

We even had sex responsibly..sort of! We skipped school to swap spit and virginities. We bought condoms together after the first time.. because we only had one condom, and we wanted to do it more!

It hurt.. and he held still and was sensitive to me! I thought it was beautiful.. Sunny, my trolls falling onto us from my head board.

On the walk to the store later, he told me his older brother told him he should 'hit it and quit it' because girls held you up from doing what you wanted - school, sports, friends, etc.

I was hurt that his brother would be cold to me like that.. For my feelings to not be considered. He chose to stay with me.. did I think he didn't want to? Did I decide to not get in his way so he'd stay with me? Did I agree with his brother? Did I agree with some sort of idea that relationships get in the way of living? How many different ways did I go stubborn?

We'd run to the bathroom to fill the condom with water to make sure it didn't have a hole it in after we'd used it.

I remember fighting in the street.. Somewhere one of the muni light rails goes. Don't remember what the fighting was about, really. I do remember he wanted to be sexual with other girls. And I felt like I wanted to be 'one' with him.. literally.. know all of his thoughts, and be involved in all of his decisions, and meld together. I noticed I could have two opinions. One that was the 'relationship' Lorraine, and one that was the 'friend Lorraine.'

I started noticing that I was stiffling opinions that I labeled something that'd prompt him to leave me.

I was permissive "just tell me everything" so that I could keep him.. that dream I was having about our romantic lives together.. high school sweet hearts.. passionate. I shared myself with him.

He wanted college.. he wanted to move out.. I couldn't blame him. I wanted to be like his mom - let him go off to learn - and be like his wife - have him come out of college, mature, sweeping me off of my feet.

What was I doing in between?
I got a retail job. I played with dying my hair. Got piercings. Tattoos (my first one was with my SLB..high school lover)..Thought about going to cosmetology school - have a skill for people.

I slept with him once after we broke up. It was premeditated. I went there and thought about it the whole time. We went to sleep, in his dorm bed.. where was his roommate? No idea.
It was a fun idea to me.. having sex with my ex, in his dorm room. Kinda sleazy thing to do.
I scooted my butt on him.. got things going.. It was not satisfying sex for me.
The 'sleazy' feeling stuck, and the fun left. It wasn't that bad.. it just wasn't good, and wasn't worth it.

Same for Pacific boy.. I took the bus to him because I was trying out my sea legs.. I could do whatever I wanted with the days I wasn't working.
We were at his house.. and I guess we'd been flirting online and/or the phone for a little while, at least.
We were talking about advanced sexual things, really.. He told me he did some bisexual sex and photos and they were on the internet somewhere. We talked about me riding him with a strap on. Hot stuff.
I don't think we tried to rush into it.. but maybe it was a booty-call anyways.
I stuck my finger in his butt and then we heard his mom get home. ^_^ !!!!!
I had to run into the bathroom, while he distracted her..
She is a smart woman. Knew he was with someone. He negotiated that I would leave after she left.. or something like that? Or maybe she let him believe she didn't know..
Anyhow. I have poop on my finger (yet again, unsatisfied.. didn't we talk about having sex? why wouldn't he clean himself beforehand??).
I wash up, and we get the hell out of there.
She watched us leave from her car. I think we walked behind the houses for a while.. in a park area. Maybe on the beach too.
This too, seemed like a fun idea, and in reality, not so fun.

Met a few guys from online.. One actually said "what, you're not going to give me a kiss?" Another grabbed my boob while kissing me; "I just wanted to see what you'd do." One told me, "I've never kissed girl with a tongue ring before."
One was very polite and sweet. He met me at a restaurant (met my dad who drove me there, actually). Then we went to a movie. Walking to the movie, we bumped into each other, and he smacked his hand and joked that he was stumbling around because of how beautiful I was. After the movie, my mom, her boyfriend, and my sister picked me up. He basically met my whole family.
What did we watch.. hmm.. I wonder if I'll remember. It was something I had already seen, and knew there weren't any sexy parts in it for him to take advantage of.
He had bad breath, and I just felt awkward about the whole bumping into me thing. I thought he was a little uptight for me. The sweetest one, though.

The Pacifica boy came to SF for me once.. We tried again on the sex. He came, and I didn't know it. =o/

Met tragacanth in #goth or #gothic online..
One of my favorite stories.. that lasted a long time, really.
I'll tell more later. This has been a lot.

<3

¶ 11:41 AM

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