well.. I was supposed to go to a Christmas party tonight (Dec 5) but.. Jason has changed his mind. Apparently it's not totally formal, but it's dressy, and he doesn't want to deal with getting clothes ready for it. So. We're just not going to go. That sucks balls.

In other disfunctional news..
I talked on Youthline for a bit over an hour last night after having some sort of a disagreement with Jason over the phone.
Things I've come to realize: I don't like to get attention or support from anyone but usually one source. That source has changed from being a platonic friend to being my boyfriend (who, is a friend as well as a romantic love) over the years. I had best friends (one at a time) when I was younger, then, here comes junior high, and I have a boyfriend that has become my confidant (pronouce that with a french accent. I bet it's spelled different for the word I want, but.. whatever).
So.. Here I am, being almost 21 (yay! in less than a month), and going through life not connecting, or having any sort of good, comfortable, open, sharing relationship with anyone but my boyfriend. This is a problem. For two reasons: 1, it puts a ton of pressure on that one person, and 2, it makes me hold everything in until I can get to that one person, and even then, everything doesn't have time to come out.
I hold all and any of my emotions that should be expressed in, to eventually, hopefully, release them upon Jason. I need outlets.
The guy I talked on on Youthline and I came up with a few things.
Since everyone I've become good friends with has basically moved out of my life, I need to reach way back into my life to my elementary school friend, Zachary. (You know.. come to think of it. I think only.. 1 of the ~5/6 people that I've decided to let have my outpourings has been a female. But I guess that's something to talk about later.) So, I'm going to write Zachary a letter, hopefully he still lives at his old address. Maybe we can become friends again.
Then, me and Trevor (Youthline guy) pointed out that I need something to do. And that requires $$. And I've already come up with a solution to the $$ problem. GET A JOB. Duh.
Next semester, I'm only taking 5 credits (two classes), in favor of working about 32 hours a week. I'll have $$. Which means I'll have the resources to drive (learn to as well), get into a ceramics class (or at least buy some clay, and work it by myself), buy myself stuff.. etc etc. You know all that comes with having $$. Mainly INDEPENDENCE. And that boast self-confidence.
So.. let's recap: get into contact with Zachary, get a job, take up ceramics again.. Oh, and on the side, try to find modivation to become closer friends than just aquantinces with people. Lot on my plate.
I leave soon to catch CalTrain *sigh*
I better go find Zachary's address..

Luv ya!  ¶ 2:04 PM